Ok, I decided to type a sequel to it… maybe a few chapters more? Well… depending on the reviews I receive…
Disclaimer: I don’t owe gundam wing T_T and I don’t earn any profit from this fic…. But the story is mine!!!
“Duo!” Quatre screamed fearfully as he sat up. However, bright rays of light made him shut his eyes quickly.
“It’s okay. You are safe now,” Trowa’s voice broke through his thoughts.
“Trowa?” Quatre asked as he opened his eyes slowly this time, “where’s Duo? He’s alright, isn’t he?”
“Yes. I think he’s in his room,” Trowa replied in a monotone.
“Good. It’s all my fault. If I had not dropped that stupid disk, we would not have been discovered! I can’t believe I am this stupid!” Quatre said angrily as he tried to stand up.
“What do you mean?” Wufei asked from the door. He had heard Winner’s voice and decided to take a look.
“Huh? I mean it was my fault… Duo had to do a lot to get us out of there. We were captured yet somehow he was able to escape and save me. Guess I should have taken those lock-picking skills from him. It’s all my fault!” Quatre answered as he noticed the shock looks on both Trowa and Wufei’s faces, “what’s wrong?”
“But… but you were unconscious…?” Wufei asked as he was beginning to regret his actions towards the other pilot. Had he wrongly accursed his fellow comrade?
“Another stupid thing I did! It’s bad enough that I can’t drive a Jeep. I could not even grab the pole tightly and slipped, hitting myself out! I am so pathetic!” Quatre answered in disgust, “I hate myself!”
“You…” Wufei was at a loss of words and Trowa was not much better. He was looking at the blonde pilot in shock. Well, after all both of them had wrongly accursed their fellow pilots. Thinking back, Maxwell did not say anything. He was the one who started ranting and Trowa just threw that punch.
“Wait! You need to stay in bed,” Trowa protested weakly as Quatre stood and started to walk out of the room, not realizing that the other two were not acting themselves.
“I’m fine! I need to apologize to Duo! It’s all my fault! Is he okay? He took quite a beating. His ribs seemed to be hurting earlier. How long was I out?” Quatre asked worriedly before realizing something was amiss, “what’s wrong? Did something happen to Duo?”
“No. I think he’s alright. He should be in his room,” Wufei answered numbly as he tried to suppress the guilt that seemed intent to surface.
“Okay,” Quatre answered skeptically as he made his way out of the room, leaving the other two pilots in their silent guilt.
“Barton…” Wufei called out hesitantly at the other pilot after a long silence.
“I think I need to apologize,” Trowa said quietly, “you too.”
“I know… but he… he did not correct us,” Wufei argued weakly, this is injustice! Maybe I should not have assumed that it was Maxwell’s fault. But how was I to know that the boy was not in the wrong with the way he was acting? Maxwell was so immature and childish. He was weak and he did not know anything! He did not know how important this war is! He did not know how cold the touch of death is…he didn’t, did he? After all, all of us had killed before including Winner. He had even claimed himself to be Shinigami…Maybe… had I been wrong?
“Did we give him the chance?” Trowa asked quietly, did we even try to get to know him other than assuming him to be a happy clown?
Maybe I was really wrong… Wufei thought guiltily, “I… I …need to think… alone…”
“What do you mean?” Quatre’s voice questioned them sharply from the doorway.
Quatre had peeked into Duo’s room quietly. He did not want to wake the pilot up if he was asleep. However, moonlight filtering into the room told him the room was empty. Where was Duo?
Maybe he’s hiding again? Quatre had thought fearfully. Duo always has a habit of disappearing at times. Once, he managed to catch him before he did. It was then he realized that the braided pilot was injured. At that time, he scolded him and in a way as Duo had said “mother-hen” him almost to death for the rest of his recovery.
It was then he started observing the other pilot. He realized that though the pilot was bugging everyone about their health after missions, he kept quiet about his own injuries. Since then, he made sure to ask Duo about his status after every single mission. It was bad of him to take advantage of Duo’s never lying promise but he felt that the least he could do as his comrade was to look after his health.
Fearful of what might have happened to Duo, Quatre had dashed back to find Wufei and Trowa discussing on what seemed to be the need of an apology to Duo. Something was really not right.
“Quatre?” both of them turned towards the room in surprise. Neither of them had heard Quatre’s return.
“What happened? And why is Duo not in his room?” Quatre snapped. The two of them had done something and instinct told him it was not something good.
“I… we… we thought it was his fault,” Wufei answered nervously, “he did not correct us so we thought we were right and…”
“So I guess you started to rant about his weaknesses or something? How could you all just assume it’s his fault? After all, it’s more probable to be mine since I am green about this type of missions?” Quatre snapped at the black-haired pilot, “how could you just say it’s his fault when he’s the expert at this field?”
“How was I to know that? He was so unprofessional! Everything was about fun to him!” Wufei protested defensively, “not only that, he was always so immature! So childish! So... cheerful... Does he know how much pain this war is causing to people? Does he know the hurt of the loss of beloved? Did he know how much other people are suffering? How can he call himself Shinigami? Does he even know the meaning of that word?”
Yes, he did not know. If not, how could he act so cheerful? How could anyone be so cheerful… so alive…Wufei thought as he was about to start yelling again.
However, he was cut off at the gun pointing at his eyes. He was shocked, speechless. The blonde pilot had pointed a gun at him. Out of the five of them, the blonde pilot was the one Maxwell had said to be the least “trigger-happy”. He was the one who hated killing the most. Yet, he was pointing a gun at him, in his face.
“If you dare to say that again, or worse, say that in front of Duo, I will not hesitate to kill you,” Quatre threatened in a low voice so unlike his normal voice, “I once overheard a conversation between Duo and Professor G. he called him the Maxwell demon and Duo told me his name reminded himself of the important events in his life on L2. What do you think?”
“Maxwell church?” Trowa gasped, surprised. Even he had known about the tragedy everyone was talking about it. There was only one sole survivor who had disappeared right after. Could it be? It could not, could it? He was actually with Chang. He always thought that the braided pilot was too loud, too cheerful, too… alive… but he knew that the other pilot had a hard life.
He did recognize how the other pilot tensed up sometimes, how his eyes looked so dead at times and more importantly, he recognized the look of despair his face showed once or twice when no one was looking. He had always convinced himself that it was just a trick of light. Maybe it wasn’t?
“I... I need to apologize to him,” Trowa said quietly, “Quatre, please keep your gun. Both Chang and I will apologize to Maxwell.”
“What did you do?” Quatre asked calmly though he was seething inside. He might be angry that Chang had misunderstood Duo but Trowa too? Had all of them except him thought that Duo was useless? Was that how they viewed the other pilot?
Trembling in anger, he lowered his gun as he waited for Trowa’s answer. He had thought that Trowa would understand the braided pilot. After all they were quite similar in a way. Both of them had this same aura that Quatre could not explain. It was different from the other three pilots. He did not know how to explain it but he thought it might have to do with each of their own past. Maybe he was wrong.
“I… hit him…” Trowa answered quietly, breaking the tense silence. Before he finished the sentence, he could already feel Quatre’s wrath directed at him. He deserved it. After all, he did something terrible stupid. It was worse than Chang. Chang had only attacked Maxwell verbally but he had attacked him physically.
“I… you… I want nothing to do with you two! I… he was injured and you did nothing but made it worse instead? How? You… I… I hate you!” Quatre yelled harshly as he left the two shocked pilots alone in the room.
He could not believe them. These were people he thought was his comrades, his friends… his family… how could they hurt one of them so badly? Without any proof? With just assumptions? Had they meant so little to one another?
“Heero?” he called as he knocked at the Wing pilot’s room. Maybe he knew where the other pilot was.
“Winner?” Heero’s voice replied as the room opened a little, “what do you want?”
“Duo is missing! Do you know where he is? He might be injured! We need to find him quickly!” Quatre answered quickly.
“Keep your voice down!” Heero glared as he tried to slip out of the room quietly, “I barely managed to get him…”
However, his words were cut off before he could finish.
“Is that Quatre?” Duo’s drowsy voice travelled across the room.
“Yes. Go back to sleep. You need the rest,” Heero answered as he glared at Quatre.
“I’m fine, Heero,” Duo argued as he tried to sit up, only to hiss in pain.
“Baka,” Heero scolded though he did help Duo to sit up gently.
“Thanks,” Duo grinned as he turned to Quatre with a grin, “so what can I do for you, Sir?”
“Duo… your face…” Quatre said quietly as he stared the bruise on Duo’s face.
Oops! He can see it even in the dark? Duo thought as he put on one of his patent grin, “well… I tend to be clumsy you know. It’s okay. It will be gone in a few days.”
“It… wasn’t there when we escaped…” Quatre continued, still staring at that bruise as he tried to suppress his wrath at what Trowa had done to his comrade. How could he?
“Well… I collided with something,” Duo said with a smile as Heero snorted at his answer.
Yeah right. He collided right into Trowa’s fist, Heero thought as he opened his mouth to explain to Quatre. After all, Quatre should know what had happened since it was partly his fault. However, he found himself keeping quiet when he saw Duo’s pleading stare.
That baka! Heero thought angrily, why must he always think of everyone else except himself? Why must he always suffer in silence?
However, Heero could not refuse Duo’s silent plea to keep quiet. He understood his intentions. He did not want to cause a drift in the other pilots. Yet somehow, Heero felt anger stirring up in his heart. Why must the baka always be the one to get all the blame? Why must he try so hard?
“Duo… I already know,” Quatre’s words broke through Heero’s thought, “you might not lie but I can tell when you skirted around the truth.”
Yeah, his tone changed to a bit too innocent, Heero thought absent-mindedly, Quatre sure is observant.
However, that was not what Duo was thinking, Damm, I did not want Quatre to know. It might spark off an argument or worse break the team. I could not allow that to happen.
“I’m okay, Q,” Duo assured Quatre as he smiled faintly, “Heero, do you mind…”
“I will go and get Trowa. You need to get your ribs look at. He’s the most experienced out of the rest of us here,” Heero answered Duo’s unspoken question.
“Thanks,” Duo smiled as Heero walked out of the room, giving the two of them some privacy.
“It’s all my fault. It’s my fault! I’m so sorry, Duo!” Quatre cried as soon as Heero left the room.
“Q?” Duo called quietly, “it’s not your fault. It’s just an accident.”
It was just an accident. It was definitely not Quatre’s fault that the two of them assumed it was my fault, Duo thought as he hugged the other pilot.
“No! It’s my fault! And they… you… how could they do that? I hate them!” Quatre cried as he pulled away from Duo’s hug. He did not deserve it. Duo should be angry at him, not comforting him!
“Quatre!” Duo snapped as he made the other pilot look at him, “do you really mean it?”
“Mean what?” Quatre was confused. He knew Duo was going to be angry at him but what did he mean?
“Do you really hate them?” Duo asked in a monotone, “think carefully. From your heart! Do you really hate them?”
“I…I… I don’t know… I was just so angry…” Quatre replied uncertainly. There was something strange about Duo. It was seldom that he lost his temper like this.
“Don’t say things like that when you don’t mean it, Quatre,” Duo said quietly, “don’t say such things if you don’t mean it…”
This time, it was Duo who refused to meet Quatre’s eyes. He seemed so depressed.
“Duo?” Quatre called out, touching Duo’s face gently, “are you alright?”
“It’s not your fault? Or any of the others, okay?” Duo said softly, “just don’t say things like that to anyone if you don’t mean it.”
“Why? What’s wrong, Duo? I… I had already yelled at Trowa and Wufei that… so it’s a bit too late now… but Duo, what’s wrong?” Quatre asked as Duo turned his face away.
“Duo?” Quatre shifted slightly to look at his eyes, being careful enough not to touch the other pilot for fear of causing him pain, “Talk to me?”
“I… it’s nothing. And everything that happened is not your fault, okay?” Duo said quietly as he plastered a smile on his face. A smile that did not reach his eyes.
“Quit hiding, Duo! You don’t lie but you hide everything with that dammed mask! Sometimes, it makes me want to just use my gun and shot that stupid mask!” Quatre exploded, “Stop doing that! Can’t you see what you are doing? You are only hurting yourself!”
“I… Quatre? Calm down, will you?” Duo spoke gently, surprised at the anger Quatre was showing.
“I will promise to apologize to them later, Duo. But first, you must tell me what makes you so depressed. I know I shouldn’t force you but it’s not healthy, Duo. Bottling all your feelings will make them worse and eat you alive someday,” Quatre spoke quietly, “and it hurts, you know. Not only to you, but to me. To the rest of us. I don’t know about the two idiots now but to Heero and I, it hurts when you hide your pain, refusing to let us help.”
“Q, happiness deserves to be shared but pain is to be suffered alone?” Duo tried to argue weakly though he found himself unable to summon one of the grins he always faked.
“You know, I actually thought we can be one family, a dysfunctional one but a family. However, after this, I’m not so sure. I always thought of you as my brother, you know. The one who share and care for me. The one I can share and care with,” Quatre smiled gently, “that’s why it hurts when you were falsely accursed. That’s why it hurts when you hide things from me. From us! Can’t you see how special you are to us? To me? You are a friend, a comrade, a brother to me!”
“Family?” Duo whispered quietly, “I used to have one or two. But now, I don’t know. I like to think we are a family as well, Q. but it still hurts when I thought of my families. I lost them and it hurt. It really hurt. But if you really care about everyone of us, Quatre, please will you apologize to them for what you say? Please? I promise to tell you why I was a bit upset if you promise me.”
“I promise but after they apologize to you, Duo,” Quatre spoke firmly. He admitted he might be too harsh with the two of them but he could not stop himself after what they had done to his friend, his savior, his brother…
“I… I said it once to someone… heck, I yelled at him that I hate him. And then he died… in my arms… I didn’t get the chance to apologize, Quatre! He just… he just…. It’s my fault! If only I had been faster! If only I… he must hate me… even till the end… he must have hate me! I was so stupid! After all he did for me… I said I hate him. I am one ungrateful streetrat! I hate myself, Quatre! I hate myself! They were right, you know. I screwed everything up even if it was unintentional,” Duo continued to babble on and on as he recalled over and over the day when he yelled at Solo and when Solo finally died in his arms.
“Oh, Duo,” Quatre could feel himself crying as he tried to console the other pilot. The hurt. The pain. The lack of forgiveness. He could understand actually. His relationship with his father had always been one of his regrets. However, he did not actually yell at his father that he hated him. But he could imagine the pain.
Anger boiled within Quatre as he heard the way Duo was blaming himself. He was suffering from what the two of them had done. However, to be fair, he was the one who had started this. Not only had he dragged this out from Duo, he had also be the reason for what the two of them had done to him. If he had not screwed up that stupid mission, nothing would have happened.
“I… was trying so hard, Q. I’m sorry for breaking down like this. I thought I was okay already after that few minutes with Heero. How come it’s getting more and more difficult? Why is it more difficult to put on my mask now?” Duo muttered quietly though he refused to look at Quatre.
“It’s because we trust each other, Duo,” Quatre squeezed Duo’s hands encouragingly, “you are my brother. That’s why you can talk to me. Cry in front of me. Laugh at me. Yell at me. Would you be my brother? I never had a brother. You are the closest to the one I would imagine for a brother.”
“Really? you want to be my brother?” Duo asked in surprise as he turned his gaze away from the blanket to meet Quatre’s eyes, “that’s what Solo used to say we are... were…brothers since he practically raised me.”
“Yes, I’m sure, Duo,” Quatre answered surely as he noticed the hope glimmering in Duo’s teary eyes. He realized how much the other pilot wishes for a sense of belonging. At the same time, he felt honored that he wanted to be his brother. He was such a brilliant and strong individual. If only, he could see it.
“Then you be my family?” Duo could not help asking.
He knew he sounded like a weak vulnerable child but he did not care. It was a long time since he had cried in front of someone. Yet in the space of less than a day, he had cried twice. Once in front of Heero and now Quatre. Maybe it was because he trusted them? With Quatre, it was like taking care of one of the little one in his gang or at the church.
However, with Heero, he did not know how to describe that feeling. He had stirred some weird feelings within him. He just knew he wanted Heero to be happy more than anyone else.
“Yes, you can be my family. Though it will be a big family with my twenty-nine sisters,” Quatre smiled, breaking Duo’s thoughts, “we can be the family you used to have. Like at the church or the gang.”
“The church? You know?” Duo asked as he noticed Quatre’s blush.
“I happened to overhear a conversation,” Quatre answered quietly, “it’s an accident.”
“It’s okay. I was on the streets since I could remember. Solo found me and raised me, I guess. Though he was a kid himself, at that time. He was my first family. We were a gang as well as a family. You know, Solo used to say, we may not be a family by blood but we are a family by choice so we have to be closer. Then he … died… after some months of dodging, we did a stupid thing but we got the best thing that happened to us. Father Maxwell took us in. Then I got my second family and then…” Duo could no longer continue as he lost himself in memories again.
“Well, then we can be a family okay?” Quatre said firmly as he smiled brightly, “okay, little brother?”
“Hey!” Duo protested, “why am I the little brother? If anything, you are younger than me.”
“Well, I know my birthday and you don’t,” Quatre smirked.
“Oh? What makes you think that I don’t know when your birthday is?” Duo argued, “when’s your birthday anyway?”
“December 12th,” Quatre answered, “so when’s yours?”
“Well… I just guess mine June 12th then,” Duo replied cheekily.
“Then you can be my older brother then,” Quatre sighed before he realized something, “what do you mean by you guess? Duo Maxwell!”
“You already said I am older!” Duo stuck his tongue out in retort as he shifted slightly.
“You! Fine. Only for now, sooner or later we are going to find out your birthdate. With today’s technology, I don’t believe we can’t do that. And then you will be my little brother, then,” Quatre really wanted to have a younger sibling. After all he was tired of being the youngest.
“You wish!” Duo smiled. All of a sudden, it was as if something had been lifted off his shoulders. He felt better. At least mentally, his ribs were killing him now.
Quatre noticed his slight wince as he started to shift Duo back to his lying position, hoping to put less strain on his ribs. Duo really needed to get his ribs looked at as well as some sleep. He looked tired but it could also be due to his mental drain.
“Quatre,” Duo said softly as he laid down, “do you really think we can be a family?”
“Yes, Duo,” Quatre answered, “well, if those two can find the screws they lost in their heads, we will be one.”
Duo laughed at Quatre’s choice of words, “you know, Q, I think I am rubbing off you. Anyway, it’s neither their faults nor your fault, you know. Remember to apologize to them, okay? With our missions, you don’t want it to be one of the regrets in your life. And I know one of them has a special place in your heart.”
“Duo!” Quatre protested as he blushed. How could Duo know?
“Anyway,” Duo continued in a softer voice, “to have a family, it’s one of my childhood dreams a long time ago. I remembered, peeking through the windows on Christmas. A family was sitting round the fireplace, laughing, singing, talking. Then the children squealed in joy as they opened presents under the Christmas three. It was warming. I hope to get that one of the days. But I was content too, you know. With Solo, we have to live on the streets and we barely had essentials. Then at the church, we were poor but Father Maxwell and Sister Helen tried their best. I was fighting this war to give such Christmas to everyone, even the orphans on the streets and also myself.”
“Duo…” Quatre called softly as Duo turned his gaze towards the moon outside the windows.
“Do you think this day will come? Can everyone be happy? Can I have a family where we can sit together, doing what we like comfortably and enjoying every Christmas we have?” Duo asked quietly and Quatre thought he saw a lone tear flowing down Duo’s cheeks.
“Yes, Duo. The day will come,” Quatre smiled though Duo still did not look at him, “and for that, I will apologize to them. We will keep the family together, okay?”
“Yeah,” Duo answered as he closed his eyes.
“Sleep well, my brother,” Quatre said quietly as he tucked the blanket around him, “I promise the day will come.”
With that, he stood up to walk out of the room, stopping at the corridor where the other three pilots were standing. However, Quatre did not seem surprised at all at the presence of the other three of them. He had heard them somewhere during the conversation he was having with Duo. Luckily, Duo was into much torment to detect their presences.
He looked at the two pilots, “well… I promise Duo and I must do what is right… I am sorry for yelling out things I don’t mean. I was just angry…”
“I… no… you did nothing wrong. I was the one who did the injustice. I should be the one who is apologizing. To you and to Maxwell,” Wufei said quietly. He had heard everything and now his mind was in chaos. He did not know what to think. He had misjudged the other pilot so much yet the other pilot still trusted him, wanting him to belong to his family.
“Yes. It’s my fault, not yours, Quatre,” Trowa continued after Wufei, “I need to check on his injuries and apologize to him. And I can only hope that both of you can forgive me sometime.”
“I forgive you, Trowa if only you forgive me,” Quatre replied as he smiled in relief.
“If you are all finished with this game of apologizing, I need to get into my room. And don’t any of you wake him up. Give him an hour of rest before you check on him, Barton,” Heero glared at the rest of them before entering the room silently.
“You know, one day, we will be able to sit around and enjoy Christmas as what Duo had described. And every Christmas after that,” Quatre said quietly as he looked at the closed door to Heero’s room.
“Yes, I am sure that will come true,” Trowa replied determinedly.
“Yes, I will do it on my honor. If you excuse me, I have a lot to think about,” Wufei said as he turned and walked back to his room to do some mediation.
“Soon, soon, the day will come, Duo.” Heero whispered in the room as he sat down beside the bed, looking at the sleeping angel next to him, “very soon, the day will come and I want to spend every single one of it with you.”
Outside, the wind blew slightly and snowflakes started to descend quietly, covering the world in white.
Wrote this on Christmas day. Wishing everyone a belated merry Christmas and a happy new year. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. I might be uploading another chapter soon if I can finish it…
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Disclaimer: I don’t owe gundam wing T_T and I don’t earn any profit from this fic…. But the story is mine!!!
“Duo!” Quatre screamed fearfully as he sat up. However, bright rays of light made him shut his eyes quickly.
“It’s okay. You are safe now,” Trowa’s voice broke through his thoughts.
“Trowa?” Quatre asked as he opened his eyes slowly this time, “where’s Duo? He’s alright, isn’t he?”
“Yes. I think he’s in his room,” Trowa replied in a monotone.
“Good. It’s all my fault. If I had not dropped that stupid disk, we would not have been discovered! I can’t believe I am this stupid!” Quatre said angrily as he tried to stand up.
“What do you mean?” Wufei asked from the door. He had heard Winner’s voice and decided to take a look.
“Huh? I mean it was my fault… Duo had to do a lot to get us out of there. We were captured yet somehow he was able to escape and save me. Guess I should have taken those lock-picking skills from him. It’s all my fault!” Quatre answered as he noticed the shock looks on both Trowa and Wufei’s faces, “what’s wrong?”
“But… but you were unconscious…?” Wufei asked as he was beginning to regret his actions towards the other pilot. Had he wrongly accursed his fellow comrade?
“Another stupid thing I did! It’s bad enough that I can’t drive a Jeep. I could not even grab the pole tightly and slipped, hitting myself out! I am so pathetic!” Quatre answered in disgust, “I hate myself!”
“You…” Wufei was at a loss of words and Trowa was not much better. He was looking at the blonde pilot in shock. Well, after all both of them had wrongly accursed their fellow pilots. Thinking back, Maxwell did not say anything. He was the one who started ranting and Trowa just threw that punch.
“Wait! You need to stay in bed,” Trowa protested weakly as Quatre stood and started to walk out of the room, not realizing that the other two were not acting themselves.
“I’m fine! I need to apologize to Duo! It’s all my fault! Is he okay? He took quite a beating. His ribs seemed to be hurting earlier. How long was I out?” Quatre asked worriedly before realizing something was amiss, “what’s wrong? Did something happen to Duo?”
“No. I think he’s alright. He should be in his room,” Wufei answered numbly as he tried to suppress the guilt that seemed intent to surface.
“Okay,” Quatre answered skeptically as he made his way out of the room, leaving the other two pilots in their silent guilt.
“Barton…” Wufei called out hesitantly at the other pilot after a long silence.
“I think I need to apologize,” Trowa said quietly, “you too.”
“I know… but he… he did not correct us,” Wufei argued weakly, this is injustice! Maybe I should not have assumed that it was Maxwell’s fault. But how was I to know that the boy was not in the wrong with the way he was acting? Maxwell was so immature and childish. He was weak and he did not know anything! He did not know how important this war is! He did not know how cold the touch of death is…he didn’t, did he? After all, all of us had killed before including Winner. He had even claimed himself to be Shinigami…Maybe… had I been wrong?
“Did we give him the chance?” Trowa asked quietly, did we even try to get to know him other than assuming him to be a happy clown?
Maybe I was really wrong… Wufei thought guiltily, “I… I …need to think… alone…”
“What do you mean?” Quatre’s voice questioned them sharply from the doorway.
Quatre had peeked into Duo’s room quietly. He did not want to wake the pilot up if he was asleep. However, moonlight filtering into the room told him the room was empty. Where was Duo?
Maybe he’s hiding again? Quatre had thought fearfully. Duo always has a habit of disappearing at times. Once, he managed to catch him before he did. It was then he realized that the braided pilot was injured. At that time, he scolded him and in a way as Duo had said “mother-hen” him almost to death for the rest of his recovery.
It was then he started observing the other pilot. He realized that though the pilot was bugging everyone about their health after missions, he kept quiet about his own injuries. Since then, he made sure to ask Duo about his status after every single mission. It was bad of him to take advantage of Duo’s never lying promise but he felt that the least he could do as his comrade was to look after his health.
Fearful of what might have happened to Duo, Quatre had dashed back to find Wufei and Trowa discussing on what seemed to be the need of an apology to Duo. Something was really not right.
“Quatre?” both of them turned towards the room in surprise. Neither of them had heard Quatre’s return.
“What happened? And why is Duo not in his room?” Quatre snapped. The two of them had done something and instinct told him it was not something good.
“I… we… we thought it was his fault,” Wufei answered nervously, “he did not correct us so we thought we were right and…”
“So I guess you started to rant about his weaknesses or something? How could you all just assume it’s his fault? After all, it’s more probable to be mine since I am green about this type of missions?” Quatre snapped at the black-haired pilot, “how could you just say it’s his fault when he’s the expert at this field?”
“How was I to know that? He was so unprofessional! Everything was about fun to him!” Wufei protested defensively, “not only that, he was always so immature! So childish! So... cheerful... Does he know how much pain this war is causing to people? Does he know the hurt of the loss of beloved? Did he know how much other people are suffering? How can he call himself Shinigami? Does he even know the meaning of that word?”
Yes, he did not know. If not, how could he act so cheerful? How could anyone be so cheerful… so alive…Wufei thought as he was about to start yelling again.
However, he was cut off at the gun pointing at his eyes. He was shocked, speechless. The blonde pilot had pointed a gun at him. Out of the five of them, the blonde pilot was the one Maxwell had said to be the least “trigger-happy”. He was the one who hated killing the most. Yet, he was pointing a gun at him, in his face.
“If you dare to say that again, or worse, say that in front of Duo, I will not hesitate to kill you,” Quatre threatened in a low voice so unlike his normal voice, “I once overheard a conversation between Duo and Professor G. he called him the Maxwell demon and Duo told me his name reminded himself of the important events in his life on L2. What do you think?”
“Maxwell church?” Trowa gasped, surprised. Even he had known about the tragedy everyone was talking about it. There was only one sole survivor who had disappeared right after. Could it be? It could not, could it? He was actually with Chang. He always thought that the braided pilot was too loud, too cheerful, too… alive… but he knew that the other pilot had a hard life.
He did recognize how the other pilot tensed up sometimes, how his eyes looked so dead at times and more importantly, he recognized the look of despair his face showed once or twice when no one was looking. He had always convinced himself that it was just a trick of light. Maybe it wasn’t?
“I... I need to apologize to him,” Trowa said quietly, “Quatre, please keep your gun. Both Chang and I will apologize to Maxwell.”
“What did you do?” Quatre asked calmly though he was seething inside. He might be angry that Chang had misunderstood Duo but Trowa too? Had all of them except him thought that Duo was useless? Was that how they viewed the other pilot?
Trembling in anger, he lowered his gun as he waited for Trowa’s answer. He had thought that Trowa would understand the braided pilot. After all they were quite similar in a way. Both of them had this same aura that Quatre could not explain. It was different from the other three pilots. He did not know how to explain it but he thought it might have to do with each of their own past. Maybe he was wrong.
“I… hit him…” Trowa answered quietly, breaking the tense silence. Before he finished the sentence, he could already feel Quatre’s wrath directed at him. He deserved it. After all, he did something terrible stupid. It was worse than Chang. Chang had only attacked Maxwell verbally but he had attacked him physically.
“I… you… I want nothing to do with you two! I… he was injured and you did nothing but made it worse instead? How? You… I… I hate you!” Quatre yelled harshly as he left the two shocked pilots alone in the room.
He could not believe them. These were people he thought was his comrades, his friends… his family… how could they hurt one of them so badly? Without any proof? With just assumptions? Had they meant so little to one another?
“Heero?” he called as he knocked at the Wing pilot’s room. Maybe he knew where the other pilot was.
“Winner?” Heero’s voice replied as the room opened a little, “what do you want?”
“Duo is missing! Do you know where he is? He might be injured! We need to find him quickly!” Quatre answered quickly.
“Keep your voice down!” Heero glared as he tried to slip out of the room quietly, “I barely managed to get him…”
However, his words were cut off before he could finish.
“Is that Quatre?” Duo’s drowsy voice travelled across the room.
“Yes. Go back to sleep. You need the rest,” Heero answered as he glared at Quatre.
“I’m fine, Heero,” Duo argued as he tried to sit up, only to hiss in pain.
“Baka,” Heero scolded though he did help Duo to sit up gently.
“Thanks,” Duo grinned as he turned to Quatre with a grin, “so what can I do for you, Sir?”
“Duo… your face…” Quatre said quietly as he stared the bruise on Duo’s face.
Oops! He can see it even in the dark? Duo thought as he put on one of his patent grin, “well… I tend to be clumsy you know. It’s okay. It will be gone in a few days.”
“It… wasn’t there when we escaped…” Quatre continued, still staring at that bruise as he tried to suppress his wrath at what Trowa had done to his comrade. How could he?
“Well… I collided with something,” Duo said with a smile as Heero snorted at his answer.
Yeah right. He collided right into Trowa’s fist, Heero thought as he opened his mouth to explain to Quatre. After all, Quatre should know what had happened since it was partly his fault. However, he found himself keeping quiet when he saw Duo’s pleading stare.
That baka! Heero thought angrily, why must he always think of everyone else except himself? Why must he always suffer in silence?
However, Heero could not refuse Duo’s silent plea to keep quiet. He understood his intentions. He did not want to cause a drift in the other pilots. Yet somehow, Heero felt anger stirring up in his heart. Why must the baka always be the one to get all the blame? Why must he try so hard?
“Duo… I already know,” Quatre’s words broke through Heero’s thought, “you might not lie but I can tell when you skirted around the truth.”
Yeah, his tone changed to a bit too innocent, Heero thought absent-mindedly, Quatre sure is observant.
However, that was not what Duo was thinking, Damm, I did not want Quatre to know. It might spark off an argument or worse break the team. I could not allow that to happen.
“I’m okay, Q,” Duo assured Quatre as he smiled faintly, “Heero, do you mind…”
“I will go and get Trowa. You need to get your ribs look at. He’s the most experienced out of the rest of us here,” Heero answered Duo’s unspoken question.
“Thanks,” Duo smiled as Heero walked out of the room, giving the two of them some privacy.
“It’s all my fault. It’s my fault! I’m so sorry, Duo!” Quatre cried as soon as Heero left the room.
“Q?” Duo called quietly, “it’s not your fault. It’s just an accident.”
It was just an accident. It was definitely not Quatre’s fault that the two of them assumed it was my fault, Duo thought as he hugged the other pilot.
“No! It’s my fault! And they… you… how could they do that? I hate them!” Quatre cried as he pulled away from Duo’s hug. He did not deserve it. Duo should be angry at him, not comforting him!
“Quatre!” Duo snapped as he made the other pilot look at him, “do you really mean it?”
“Mean what?” Quatre was confused. He knew Duo was going to be angry at him but what did he mean?
“Do you really hate them?” Duo asked in a monotone, “think carefully. From your heart! Do you really hate them?”
“I…I… I don’t know… I was just so angry…” Quatre replied uncertainly. There was something strange about Duo. It was seldom that he lost his temper like this.
“Don’t say things like that when you don’t mean it, Quatre,” Duo said quietly, “don’t say such things if you don’t mean it…”
This time, it was Duo who refused to meet Quatre’s eyes. He seemed so depressed.
“Duo?” Quatre called out, touching Duo’s face gently, “are you alright?”
“It’s not your fault? Or any of the others, okay?” Duo said softly, “just don’t say things like that to anyone if you don’t mean it.”
“Why? What’s wrong, Duo? I… I had already yelled at Trowa and Wufei that… so it’s a bit too late now… but Duo, what’s wrong?” Quatre asked as Duo turned his face away.
“Duo?” Quatre shifted slightly to look at his eyes, being careful enough not to touch the other pilot for fear of causing him pain, “Talk to me?”
“I… it’s nothing. And everything that happened is not your fault, okay?” Duo said quietly as he plastered a smile on his face. A smile that did not reach his eyes.
“Quit hiding, Duo! You don’t lie but you hide everything with that dammed mask! Sometimes, it makes me want to just use my gun and shot that stupid mask!” Quatre exploded, “Stop doing that! Can’t you see what you are doing? You are only hurting yourself!”
“I… Quatre? Calm down, will you?” Duo spoke gently, surprised at the anger Quatre was showing.
“I will promise to apologize to them later, Duo. But first, you must tell me what makes you so depressed. I know I shouldn’t force you but it’s not healthy, Duo. Bottling all your feelings will make them worse and eat you alive someday,” Quatre spoke quietly, “and it hurts, you know. Not only to you, but to me. To the rest of us. I don’t know about the two idiots now but to Heero and I, it hurts when you hide your pain, refusing to let us help.”
“Q, happiness deserves to be shared but pain is to be suffered alone?” Duo tried to argue weakly though he found himself unable to summon one of the grins he always faked.
“You know, I actually thought we can be one family, a dysfunctional one but a family. However, after this, I’m not so sure. I always thought of you as my brother, you know. The one who share and care for me. The one I can share and care with,” Quatre smiled gently, “that’s why it hurts when you were falsely accursed. That’s why it hurts when you hide things from me. From us! Can’t you see how special you are to us? To me? You are a friend, a comrade, a brother to me!”
“Family?” Duo whispered quietly, “I used to have one or two. But now, I don’t know. I like to think we are a family as well, Q. but it still hurts when I thought of my families. I lost them and it hurt. It really hurt. But if you really care about everyone of us, Quatre, please will you apologize to them for what you say? Please? I promise to tell you why I was a bit upset if you promise me.”
“I promise but after they apologize to you, Duo,” Quatre spoke firmly. He admitted he might be too harsh with the two of them but he could not stop himself after what they had done to his friend, his savior, his brother…
“I… I said it once to someone… heck, I yelled at him that I hate him. And then he died… in my arms… I didn’t get the chance to apologize, Quatre! He just… he just…. It’s my fault! If only I had been faster! If only I… he must hate me… even till the end… he must have hate me! I was so stupid! After all he did for me… I said I hate him. I am one ungrateful streetrat! I hate myself, Quatre! I hate myself! They were right, you know. I screwed everything up even if it was unintentional,” Duo continued to babble on and on as he recalled over and over the day when he yelled at Solo and when Solo finally died in his arms.
“Oh, Duo,” Quatre could feel himself crying as he tried to console the other pilot. The hurt. The pain. The lack of forgiveness. He could understand actually. His relationship with his father had always been one of his regrets. However, he did not actually yell at his father that he hated him. But he could imagine the pain.
Anger boiled within Quatre as he heard the way Duo was blaming himself. He was suffering from what the two of them had done. However, to be fair, he was the one who had started this. Not only had he dragged this out from Duo, he had also be the reason for what the two of them had done to him. If he had not screwed up that stupid mission, nothing would have happened.
“I… was trying so hard, Q. I’m sorry for breaking down like this. I thought I was okay already after that few minutes with Heero. How come it’s getting more and more difficult? Why is it more difficult to put on my mask now?” Duo muttered quietly though he refused to look at Quatre.
“It’s because we trust each other, Duo,” Quatre squeezed Duo’s hands encouragingly, “you are my brother. That’s why you can talk to me. Cry in front of me. Laugh at me. Yell at me. Would you be my brother? I never had a brother. You are the closest to the one I would imagine for a brother.”
“Really? you want to be my brother?” Duo asked in surprise as he turned his gaze away from the blanket to meet Quatre’s eyes, “that’s what Solo used to say we are... were…brothers since he practically raised me.”
“Yes, I’m sure, Duo,” Quatre answered surely as he noticed the hope glimmering in Duo’s teary eyes. He realized how much the other pilot wishes for a sense of belonging. At the same time, he felt honored that he wanted to be his brother. He was such a brilliant and strong individual. If only, he could see it.
“Then you be my family?” Duo could not help asking.
He knew he sounded like a weak vulnerable child but he did not care. It was a long time since he had cried in front of someone. Yet in the space of less than a day, he had cried twice. Once in front of Heero and now Quatre. Maybe it was because he trusted them? With Quatre, it was like taking care of one of the little one in his gang or at the church.
However, with Heero, he did not know how to describe that feeling. He had stirred some weird feelings within him. He just knew he wanted Heero to be happy more than anyone else.
“Yes, you can be my family. Though it will be a big family with my twenty-nine sisters,” Quatre smiled, breaking Duo’s thoughts, “we can be the family you used to have. Like at the church or the gang.”
“The church? You know?” Duo asked as he noticed Quatre’s blush.
“I happened to overhear a conversation,” Quatre answered quietly, “it’s an accident.”
“It’s okay. I was on the streets since I could remember. Solo found me and raised me, I guess. Though he was a kid himself, at that time. He was my first family. We were a gang as well as a family. You know, Solo used to say, we may not be a family by blood but we are a family by choice so we have to be closer. Then he … died… after some months of dodging, we did a stupid thing but we got the best thing that happened to us. Father Maxwell took us in. Then I got my second family and then…” Duo could no longer continue as he lost himself in memories again.
“Well, then we can be a family okay?” Quatre said firmly as he smiled brightly, “okay, little brother?”
“Hey!” Duo protested, “why am I the little brother? If anything, you are younger than me.”
“Well, I know my birthday and you don’t,” Quatre smirked.
“Oh? What makes you think that I don’t know when your birthday is?” Duo argued, “when’s your birthday anyway?”
“December 12th,” Quatre answered, “so when’s yours?”
“Well… I just guess mine June 12th then,” Duo replied cheekily.
“Then you can be my older brother then,” Quatre sighed before he realized something, “what do you mean by you guess? Duo Maxwell!”
“You already said I am older!” Duo stuck his tongue out in retort as he shifted slightly.
“You! Fine. Only for now, sooner or later we are going to find out your birthdate. With today’s technology, I don’t believe we can’t do that. And then you will be my little brother, then,” Quatre really wanted to have a younger sibling. After all he was tired of being the youngest.
“You wish!” Duo smiled. All of a sudden, it was as if something had been lifted off his shoulders. He felt better. At least mentally, his ribs were killing him now.
Quatre noticed his slight wince as he started to shift Duo back to his lying position, hoping to put less strain on his ribs. Duo really needed to get his ribs looked at as well as some sleep. He looked tired but it could also be due to his mental drain.
“Quatre,” Duo said softly as he laid down, “do you really think we can be a family?”
“Yes, Duo,” Quatre answered, “well, if those two can find the screws they lost in their heads, we will be one.”
Duo laughed at Quatre’s choice of words, “you know, Q, I think I am rubbing off you. Anyway, it’s neither their faults nor your fault, you know. Remember to apologize to them, okay? With our missions, you don’t want it to be one of the regrets in your life. And I know one of them has a special place in your heart.”
“Duo!” Quatre protested as he blushed. How could Duo know?
“Anyway,” Duo continued in a softer voice, “to have a family, it’s one of my childhood dreams a long time ago. I remembered, peeking through the windows on Christmas. A family was sitting round the fireplace, laughing, singing, talking. Then the children squealed in joy as they opened presents under the Christmas three. It was warming. I hope to get that one of the days. But I was content too, you know. With Solo, we have to live on the streets and we barely had essentials. Then at the church, we were poor but Father Maxwell and Sister Helen tried their best. I was fighting this war to give such Christmas to everyone, even the orphans on the streets and also myself.”
“Duo…” Quatre called softly as Duo turned his gaze towards the moon outside the windows.
“Do you think this day will come? Can everyone be happy? Can I have a family where we can sit together, doing what we like comfortably and enjoying every Christmas we have?” Duo asked quietly and Quatre thought he saw a lone tear flowing down Duo’s cheeks.
“Yes, Duo. The day will come,” Quatre smiled though Duo still did not look at him, “and for that, I will apologize to them. We will keep the family together, okay?”
“Yeah,” Duo answered as he closed his eyes.
“Sleep well, my brother,” Quatre said quietly as he tucked the blanket around him, “I promise the day will come.”
With that, he stood up to walk out of the room, stopping at the corridor where the other three pilots were standing. However, Quatre did not seem surprised at all at the presence of the other three of them. He had heard them somewhere during the conversation he was having with Duo. Luckily, Duo was into much torment to detect their presences.
He looked at the two pilots, “well… I promise Duo and I must do what is right… I am sorry for yelling out things I don’t mean. I was just angry…”
“I… no… you did nothing wrong. I was the one who did the injustice. I should be the one who is apologizing. To you and to Maxwell,” Wufei said quietly. He had heard everything and now his mind was in chaos. He did not know what to think. He had misjudged the other pilot so much yet the other pilot still trusted him, wanting him to belong to his family.
“Yes. It’s my fault, not yours, Quatre,” Trowa continued after Wufei, “I need to check on his injuries and apologize to him. And I can only hope that both of you can forgive me sometime.”
“I forgive you, Trowa if only you forgive me,” Quatre replied as he smiled in relief.
“If you are all finished with this game of apologizing, I need to get into my room. And don’t any of you wake him up. Give him an hour of rest before you check on him, Barton,” Heero glared at the rest of them before entering the room silently.
“You know, one day, we will be able to sit around and enjoy Christmas as what Duo had described. And every Christmas after that,” Quatre said quietly as he looked at the closed door to Heero’s room.
“Yes, I am sure that will come true,” Trowa replied determinedly.
“Yes, I will do it on my honor. If you excuse me, I have a lot to think about,” Wufei said as he turned and walked back to his room to do some mediation.
“Soon, soon, the day will come, Duo.” Heero whispered in the room as he sat down beside the bed, looking at the sleeping angel next to him, “very soon, the day will come and I want to spend every single one of it with you.”
Outside, the wind blew slightly and snowflakes started to descend quietly, covering the world in white.
Wrote this on Christmas day. Wishing everyone a belated merry Christmas and a happy new year. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. I might be uploading another chapter soon if I can finish it…
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